Mama Bearable: Our Pregnancy Journey Part 1
Hey there! It's you! You're back! Or maybe you're not, who knows, but if you are back welcome! I told you I wouldn't be posting with consistency, so here we are almost a month and a half later... Life is busy and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to write. Or maybe not in the mood to process hard pieces of the last 3ish years of my life. But in the interest of self care and improving myself through fire I write.
I want to give a little warning before you continue reading, some of what I have to write in these next paragraphs may be triggering for people who have had issues with infertility, or miscarriages. Though I won't specifically be speaking about miscarriages, I will be speaking about infertility issues and strong complex emotions that went along with them. If that is something that you would struggle reading and may cause more harm than good, my suggestion would be to stop reading now and pick back up with me after this post. No judgement at all if you don't continue to read, see you in the next one!
For those of you that have stuck around, I'll be sharing what our pregnancy journey has been like, but I'm not just talking about the 9 months leading up to the birth of our daughter. Our journey starts significantly earlier in mid 2016. Early on in our marriage Eric and I knew that at some point we would like to start a family, in 2016 Eric and I had been married for 3 years, we began talking about the real possibility of starting a family. I went off of birth control and we started casually trying, taking a "if it happens it happens" approach.
After "trying" for about 6 months and still no pregnancy we started actively tracking my cycles, waiting for the fertile window and making the most of every oppurtunity, if ya catch my drift! Another 6 months passed while actively trying, and still no little plus sign, I started to get discouraged. I began to get frustrated, frustrated at myself and at others... It was selfish, but I thought it was unfair other people were getting what I wanted without even trying. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, why God wasn't giving me the desires of my heart. So I waited, waited with bitterness stewing... We were still trying but nothing we did seemed to be working.
December 2017 was approaching, and a year and a half had passed with nothing to show for it. At this point I just wanted some answers, and Eric and I decided we would pursue some fertility tests to at least get some answers and see if we were even physically capable of having a baby. So we scheduled an appointment with a fertility specialist in January of 2018. Though I expected this appointment to give us some next steps, I'm not going to lie, I was afraid of what we would learn. I was most afraid of hearing that I was too overweight to have a child and that was hurting our chances, my weight is something I've struggled with since puberty. I can even recall in 5th grade stepping on a scale in gym class and having my weight yelled for everyone to hear and I was one of the few kids who was over 100lbs at that age. The last thing I wanted was a doctor telling me our fertility issues were all my fault.
But my drive for answers led me to follow through going to the appointment. Early morning on a crisp January day Eric and I left home and went to the hospital to meet with a fertility specialist. We spent more time waiting for doctor than she spent talking to us, about 15 minutes she talked to us, we waited for a half hour. Our medical system is messed up, but maybe that's a topic for another day... Within those 15 minutes the various tests they could run were explained to Eric and I, along with the prices of everything. And let me tell you those tests are not cheap, and most wouldn't be covered at all by insurance!!! The doctor also told us that my weight could be contributing to our issues being able to conceive. Great exactly what I wanted to hear. With our options laid out for us it was now our decision if we wanted to proceed with the fertility testing.
Eric and I decided against getting further testing, the price tag was just a bit too much. We did decided to diet, to just be more healthy but then also if it helped our chances at getting pregnant we figured why not. Even though weight loss seemed a good step forward; after trying for over a year and a half and no results I had resigned myself to the fact that we wouldn't be able to get pregnant even if we got healthy. I began envisioning what our life would look like without children, what we could do traveling, ministry opportunities, or maybe another dog. I was coming around to that idea and even feeling content with that outlook.
Then in early April, after being two weeks late, took a pregnancy test, and saw that little plus sign.
To be continued...
I want to give a little warning before you continue reading, some of what I have to write in these next paragraphs may be triggering for people who have had issues with infertility, or miscarriages. Though I won't specifically be speaking about miscarriages, I will be speaking about infertility issues and strong complex emotions that went along with them. If that is something that you would struggle reading and may cause more harm than good, my suggestion would be to stop reading now and pick back up with me after this post. No judgement at all if you don't continue to read, see you in the next one!
For those of you that have stuck around, I'll be sharing what our pregnancy journey has been like, but I'm not just talking about the 9 months leading up to the birth of our daughter. Our journey starts significantly earlier in mid 2016. Early on in our marriage Eric and I knew that at some point we would like to start a family, in 2016 Eric and I had been married for 3 years, we began talking about the real possibility of starting a family. I went off of birth control and we started casually trying, taking a "if it happens it happens" approach.
After "trying" for about 6 months and still no pregnancy we started actively tracking my cycles, waiting for the fertile window and making the most of every oppurtunity, if ya catch my drift! Another 6 months passed while actively trying, and still no little plus sign, I started to get discouraged. I began to get frustrated, frustrated at myself and at others... It was selfish, but I thought it was unfair other people were getting what I wanted without even trying. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, why God wasn't giving me the desires of my heart. So I waited, waited with bitterness stewing... We were still trying but nothing we did seemed to be working.
December 2017 was approaching, and a year and a half had passed with nothing to show for it. At this point I just wanted some answers, and Eric and I decided we would pursue some fertility tests to at least get some answers and see if we were even physically capable of having a baby. So we scheduled an appointment with a fertility specialist in January of 2018. Though I expected this appointment to give us some next steps, I'm not going to lie, I was afraid of what we would learn. I was most afraid of hearing that I was too overweight to have a child and that was hurting our chances, my weight is something I've struggled with since puberty. I can even recall in 5th grade stepping on a scale in gym class and having my weight yelled for everyone to hear and I was one of the few kids who was over 100lbs at that age. The last thing I wanted was a doctor telling me our fertility issues were all my fault.
But my drive for answers led me to follow through going to the appointment. Early morning on a crisp January day Eric and I left home and went to the hospital to meet with a fertility specialist. We spent more time waiting for doctor than she spent talking to us, about 15 minutes she talked to us, we waited for a half hour. Our medical system is messed up, but maybe that's a topic for another day... Within those 15 minutes the various tests they could run were explained to Eric and I, along with the prices of everything. And let me tell you those tests are not cheap, and most wouldn't be covered at all by insurance!!! The doctor also told us that my weight could be contributing to our issues being able to conceive. Great exactly what I wanted to hear. With our options laid out for us it was now our decision if we wanted to proceed with the fertility testing.
Eric and I decided against getting further testing, the price tag was just a bit too much. We did decided to diet, to just be more healthy but then also if it helped our chances at getting pregnant we figured why not. Even though weight loss seemed a good step forward; after trying for over a year and a half and no results I had resigned myself to the fact that we wouldn't be able to get pregnant even if we got healthy. I began envisioning what our life would look like without children, what we could do traveling, ministry opportunities, or maybe another dog. I was coming around to that idea and even feeling content with that outlook.
Then in early April, after being two weeks late, took a pregnancy test, and saw that little plus sign.
To be continued...
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