Mama Bearable: When Joy and Hope Turns to Anxiety and Panic
May 4th, 2018, the day of my first OB visit with Dr. F. Eric and I had eagerly and nervously anticipated the arrival of this day. Even though we saw the little plus sign, there were still shreds of doubt, was this actually real? Were we pregnant, or was it just another speed bump in the series of disappointments?
As we sat in those waiting room chairs, I could feel my heart beating just a little bit faster than it normally does. I'm not the type of person who gets nervous at the doctor, but today there was a dry spot in my throat that no amount of swallowing could relieve. Combined with the anxiety of meeting a doctor we had never met before, I was just trying to keep it together. The door to the exam room area opened, "Tessa" the nurse called, I looked up and made eye contact, slowly pushed myself out of the chair and started the 8 foot journey to the door.
Once behind the door the nurse took me to the weighing station, my favorite... then directed me to exam room 12. I could tell the nurse was kind and cheerful, but my nervousness wasn't going to be abated just yet. Room 12 looked plain and unassuming, with a few pamphlets on the table, a bowl of wintergreen lifesavers, business cards, a noise machine, and a picture of Dr. F with one of her daughters. The nurse began the intake process, blood pressure, questioning me, family history, medicines, questions I may have, ya know the usual. My blood pressure was a little high so the nurse kindly asked me if I was nervous, I had no idea how to answer, so I just nervously laughed and replied "yeah".
She keyed into that and started talking to try to put me at ease, informing me about what today's visit would entail, over the course of the pregnancy what role she and Dr. F would play, as well as some pregnancy classes I could take at the hospital. After a short time I felt my shoulders relaxing and my heart slowing down. She had a way about her that just instilled calm in me, she was calm, cheerful, attentive, and it felt like she genuinely cared about me. We will call her Nurse E from here on out, she turned out to be one of the few things that brought me calm during my pregnancy.
It was time for the exam and to meet Dr. F for the first time. I was asked by Nurse E to prepare for the exam by undressing and putting on a gown and a sheet from the waste down. Typically the first exam when you aren't far along (8 weeks) is done with an internal ultrasound, which is more effective at picking up smaller tissues. Adequate time had elapsed since Nurse E left the exam room, and with a soft yet confident knock on the door Dr. F entered.
She introduced herself to us and spent about 5 minutes relaying some of the same information Nurse E had given me, and addressing any of the questions Eric or I had. I think she did this largely to help me feel comfortable before getting *ahem* down to business. After the pleasantries were over it was time to begin the actually exam. I positioned myself properly and Dr. F began using the internal ultrasound machine. She maneuvered the probe around for what seemed like an eternity. Eric and I waited with bated breath for her to say something, anything. When she finally opened her mouth I knew something was wrong, I wasn't as far along as I should have been, or it wasn't a viable fetus. Dr. F was having a hard time getting a good picture.
I froze, as I often do when I am presented with information my brain can't quite comprehend. I usually recover pretty quickly, but this time was different. After waiting for that plus sign for so long it seemed like in an instant all our hopes were dashed, that we weren't going to be welcoming a new little one into our home. As I choked back tears and tried to tune into what Dr. F was saying my mind was running a million miles and hour trying to find something solid to grasp on to. She wanted me to get some bloodwork done to check on hormone levels and confirm the pregnancy that same day, after that all we could do was wait another 2 weeks and come back in.
I'm not a patient person, I enjoy instant gratification, and this was not a situation in which that was going to be a reality. Eric and I were going to have to wait, with our thoughts, with what little information we had for 2 weeks. That isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, but when you are waiting for the hammer to drop and preparing for the worst case scenario, 14 days is a long time.
As we sat in those waiting room chairs, I could feel my heart beating just a little bit faster than it normally does. I'm not the type of person who gets nervous at the doctor, but today there was a dry spot in my throat that no amount of swallowing could relieve. Combined with the anxiety of meeting a doctor we had never met before, I was just trying to keep it together. The door to the exam room area opened, "Tessa" the nurse called, I looked up and made eye contact, slowly pushed myself out of the chair and started the 8 foot journey to the door.
Once behind the door the nurse took me to the weighing station, my favorite... then directed me to exam room 12. I could tell the nurse was kind and cheerful, but my nervousness wasn't going to be abated just yet. Room 12 looked plain and unassuming, with a few pamphlets on the table, a bowl of wintergreen lifesavers, business cards, a noise machine, and a picture of Dr. F with one of her daughters. The nurse began the intake process, blood pressure, questioning me, family history, medicines, questions I may have, ya know the usual. My blood pressure was a little high so the nurse kindly asked me if I was nervous, I had no idea how to answer, so I just nervously laughed and replied "yeah".
She keyed into that and started talking to try to put me at ease, informing me about what today's visit would entail, over the course of the pregnancy what role she and Dr. F would play, as well as some pregnancy classes I could take at the hospital. After a short time I felt my shoulders relaxing and my heart slowing down. She had a way about her that just instilled calm in me, she was calm, cheerful, attentive, and it felt like she genuinely cared about me. We will call her Nurse E from here on out, she turned out to be one of the few things that brought me calm during my pregnancy.
It was time for the exam and to meet Dr. F for the first time. I was asked by Nurse E to prepare for the exam by undressing and putting on a gown and a sheet from the waste down. Typically the first exam when you aren't far along (8 weeks) is done with an internal ultrasound, which is more effective at picking up smaller tissues. Adequate time had elapsed since Nurse E left the exam room, and with a soft yet confident knock on the door Dr. F entered.
She introduced herself to us and spent about 5 minutes relaying some of the same information Nurse E had given me, and addressing any of the questions Eric or I had. I think she did this largely to help me feel comfortable before getting *ahem* down to business. After the pleasantries were over it was time to begin the actually exam. I positioned myself properly and Dr. F began using the internal ultrasound machine. She maneuvered the probe around for what seemed like an eternity. Eric and I waited with bated breath for her to say something, anything. When she finally opened her mouth I knew something was wrong, I wasn't as far along as I should have been, or it wasn't a viable fetus. Dr. F was having a hard time getting a good picture.
I froze, as I often do when I am presented with information my brain can't quite comprehend. I usually recover pretty quickly, but this time was different. After waiting for that plus sign for so long it seemed like in an instant all our hopes were dashed, that we weren't going to be welcoming a new little one into our home. As I choked back tears and tried to tune into what Dr. F was saying my mind was running a million miles and hour trying to find something solid to grasp on to. She wanted me to get some bloodwork done to check on hormone levels and confirm the pregnancy that same day, after that all we could do was wait another 2 weeks and come back in.
I'm not a patient person, I enjoy instant gratification, and this was not a situation in which that was going to be a reality. Eric and I were going to have to wait, with our thoughts, with what little information we had for 2 weeks. That isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, but when you are waiting for the hammer to drop and preparing for the worst case scenario, 14 days is a long time.
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